There is no medical cure, that will change who you are, and how you see yourself.
How you see yourself is a critical issue. So difficult to do – but remember that birds of a feather flock together. Look at those around you. How do they look? What are their interests? What do they do too often, and devote too much time and money doing? On the other hand, what do they neglect to do?
Regarding health, how many of your friends are taking medication? What are they being medicated for? Do you see yourself in your friends? And perhaps more importantly, does it give you comfort to compare yourself with your friends and say, “we are all normal” not really sick, but few of us are really well either. We are all alike, we are “normally healthy”, and where that’s not the case, sometimes “that’s just the way things are, there’s not much anyone can do about it.”
A good place to begin is to know that about 70% of all the people you know, will experience poor health for about 10 years before they die. In addition, they will die at least 10 years too early. What’s it worth to have BOTH these benefits, a pain and disease-free life, and more that 10 years longer to enjoy your grandchildren. I wrote about the problem with normal health in 2016.
The problem is that we’ve tried before, and too often we failed. Failed for very good reasons, the same reasons everyone else has, too. As Dr James Meucke, tells us in “Being a ‘Free Country’ makes us sick” a title that seems improbable, and silly. But from the way you doctor decides to tell you when you are “sick” and the medical protocol to deal with that, to our laws about the sale of alcohol and drugs, to the why we talk about food as being healthy or unhealthy, to the way supermarkets are designed, to the check-out aisle at the service station, or The Warehouse, or even the chemist is designed, the world is against you, making good decisions about what to eat difficult.
In the early 1980’s I spent several weeks reading, re-reading, writing notes and trying to understand the book, “Adaptation to Life” by psychologist George E. Vaillant. Essentially, we are all damaged by the reality of the world, and we find ways to cope, we adapt. We all need someone to tells us that, “I’m all right, that my course is reasonable, and it should lead somewhere.” We long for approval. We cannot be taught good ways of coping, (psychological defenses) we absorb them from important people in our lives. In the 1970’s “The Grant Study” after 30 years, had discovered that all of the tools, developed in the 1950’s to choose the best men for leadership in the military and business, failed in practice. They now believed that the employment of “mature psychological defenses” as ways of coping with the reality of living one’s life, would be a superior and reliable method of choosing the best leaders.
They were to discover in the next 30 years, that this was also wrong. Everybody uses defenses, and depending on what life offers, one’s way of coping may be more or less elegant. Whatever the response, trying to change it from the outside, is like trying to stop the wind. However, annoying a response might be to other people; for the user, a successful adaptation is protective and is likely to enable future growth and change over time.
If someone adopts a pattern of behaviour that is repetitive and harmful, that is an addictive way of coping. A substance need not be involved, but commonly is, and often the substance is food.
In this 10 minute video, Dr Garbor Maté makes the point that in an environment that’s socially and commercially and inter-personally toxic., most of us are anxious and wounded. Probably we don’t know why, but we have found a way to cope. This is “me”. “My past causes me to live in the way that I am, not ideal, but safe. I do what I can today. I need to balance the good and the bad. That way I can live and be mostly happy.”
If someone you love is avoiding the issue, is indulging in harmful behaviours, that probably has a purpose, to protect “me” from something even worse. Be kind, be there, time will change things. There is a better future, but perhaps today is not the day to begin.
An Open Future is possible. There are many people who have found the way out of depression and hopelessness. When you are ready, there are many pages here that point the way forward.
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